Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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