I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
