He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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