I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
