just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize