need another drink. this is the easiest way
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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