4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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