Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
