Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
