my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
