im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
