I am midnight drunk by noon
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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