i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
smell my finger.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
