i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
