Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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