I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
