based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
