My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
