I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
