like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
