Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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