some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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