So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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