Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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