I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
