so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
