People with herpes should wear stickers.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
