i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
