I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
