life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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