I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize