you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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