i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
