just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
