I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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