Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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