Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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