Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize