why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Randomize
