I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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