gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
