lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
