bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
