Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
