The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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