If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
