Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
