Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
