we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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