I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
