This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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