All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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