I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize