In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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