I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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