Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
