someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
