dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
