did you get engaged???
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
