I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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