My hand turned me down
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
