My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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