she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
