Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
