She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
