I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
