i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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