Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
