Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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